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Saturday, March 3, 2012

‘About The Business Of Remaining Alone’

‘About the business of remaining alone’
It is a constant battle.
Well, not so constant….there isn’t always interest…
From my side or theirs.

‘This Business’  
The Battle I wage on myself-
To protect myself
It is so strong and loud inside me.

Most of my life I could just wash ‘THAT MAN OUT OF MY HAIR’
-then the break up came along.
It was 12 years ago that I was suckered into a relationship with the nicest NARCISSIST 
You would ever want to meet.
The perfect’ Doctor Man’ for me.
The man I thought I was supposed to marry.
{but it was also his idea}
I finally let those tall stone walls down around me
and let the man in.  OOOOPS
I loved him completely. I never thought I would do that.
Or frankly….that I could do that.
After a year or so… things got strange.
That’s when the lying started.
And the crazy making began
– people lying to you….will make you crazy.

But to make a hideously long story shorter.
This man BROKE ME.
I will never be the same.
In the past 3 weeks
{Because I am networking -and networking is not my cup of tea}
I have met two men.
One was okay ,
But I had to get rid of him 
for reasons that would make a decent TV movie of the week
-that I don't want to star in.

there are no ridges left in my CD of this song

And then comes along # 2
I could tell you all the details but the facts of the matter are……
He also is a narcissist …. Insanely charming, charismatic,
Sometimes handsome {this one was}
sexy, and made you feel like you were the only one in the room

By date two
I was beginning to be BUMMED OUT because I knew in my heart…..
This was the danger zone I was entering.

The perfect doctor that I described earlier
Made me doubt any and everything I said and did.
My self-esteem was flushed down the toilet on a daily basis.
Not to mention….I did not want to wake up.
Not Ever!!!

So, when I saw this image 
it brought back the whole ugly place I was living in!!
And yet it reminded me
….the only way I am safe… alone.

PS I do take responsibility for my own short comings, In these failed relationships.
I am better off alone. Mainly because I never get lonely.
What is this girl to do.?

Accept the way I am?
{i am too fragile emotionally}

I just don’t have what it takes for a relationship.
It is just too compromising.
Yea, that’s it.
Maybe I just don’t want to play by other peoples rules.
Translation: she doesn’t play well with others – IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

So......What do you have to say to this post????
i am quite exposed.

xx Hugss and lots of them

Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her Blog of her Adventures in Design,Owner of 'The Trade' Interiors, ,Boca Raton,Palm Beach,Boca Raton Florida,All custom upholstery,case-goods,window treatments,Antiques, Accessories and Antique accessories, built-ins, and all built in seating, bedding and pillows,Roseta Santiago Works Of Art, ‘About The Business Of Remaining Alone’, ‘About The Business Of Remaining Alone’, relationships, narcissists, narcissists,


  1. Can you just enjoy without throwing yourself right into it?
    If not you can always come and live with me!!!!!
    After all these years I think I have my first crush on a performer!!! Bert Bacharach!!!!!
    Talk to me. Jules xxxx

  2. I think you already know your answer Rene although the fact that you are slightly attracted to these two suggests you might like to venture out again.... I agree with Jules... enjoy without commitment... this might be the way to go!...xv

  3. Renee,
    Just listen to your heart! What has to be happen, shall happen.
    Happy weekend!

  4. There's NOTHING wrong with being on your own. I have a very good friend with whom I was just staying in Hong Kong. He is about to divorce from his second wife, and he finally admitted to me what I have been telling him for years - he's much better off not being in a relationship - because they go sour and get quite horrid in the end. Anyway, at least he now recognises it himself. FINALLY. As others have said: only you know what is best for YOU. Society sometimes makes us believe that we should be with someone, (either in marriage or in a relationship), but that is just such nonsense.

  5. Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
    —Mary Oliver

    Maybe this will help!!!! Jules xxx

  6. Take it slow and on your terms Renee. You've got this far on your own you don't need anyone to make you whole. Listen to yourself and don't beat yourself up. You know if something is not right, your instinct is good. Just have fun and remember, you are only ever disappointed by your own expectations. I try to not expect anything and then if something wonderful happens it's a bonus. Just live! Enjoy yourself, you only have to please you and that, in many ways, is the joy of being single :-)
    Have a happy weekend!

  7. Dear Renee, you sound so hurt and sad and the fact you wrote what you did shows a level of desperation and anger too.
    I feel, deep in your heart you know the truth. Learn from the past, don't let yourself be manipulated or pushed in an emotional corner, you are a free woman and all the decisions lay in your hands. Enjoy the company of man, but take it slow. The moment we fall in love often our watchful defense seems to withdraw completely.
    Be truthful, but also trust, every partner has also a right not to be compared...
    Talk openly, stay calm!
    And rely on common sense and your instincts.
    You will be happy, with or without a man!

    Have a relaxed weekend!
    (Who has gotten hurt just like you and understands the feelings only so well!)

  8. Well first hats off to you for being brave, honest and authentic. When it comes to affairs of the heart, its a slippery slope. Emotions are a fragile commodity and when broken, the repairs can take awhile. But I do believe in second chances, redemption and new beginnings. I have seen too many happy ones to not believe in them. One friend who was in a horribly destructive relationship/marriage with a powerful but wretched man finally broke free, but not without lots of scars. This was approx. 5 years ago, the first two she was like a bird with a broken wing, she couldn't fly and didn't have the strength to even try. Then when she was least looking.....there "he" was. Her soulmate. Yep it happened, and not at all when she wanted or expected it to. They got married in December. Seeing them together makes ME happy......they are like two pieces of a pefect puzzle that finally found each other. I bet your piece of the puzzle is out there waiting Renee....have patience, faith and most important do not compromise, trust your instincts and always put yourself FIRST!

  9. Renee as you know I have been widowed for some time now. Yes I have had a couple or "relationships since then/ I ended both, yet they did by their actions.

    You will get strong again. Pay attention to your woman's instinct.That inner voice. I liken my heart to a rose. Open it in full bloom when you are happy and feel safe; if hurts come your way close into a tight rosebud.

    I know i will meet the right man again. The only way to do that is with an open heart. In the meantime there is nothing wrong with being alone/ you have freedom, you can watch what you want, have breakfast for dinner, buy that girlie item!etc.

    Art by Karena

  10. I second what Karena says.


  11. enchanted

    from you lips to my g-ds ears.
    this is almost what i think will happen as well.
    i keep dressing up & showing up for life.....waiting....not actively pursuing a man.
    but i would be shocked if it happened in this town.

    i have been here 25 yrs and stayed only because i have a child { 24yrs now}
    and i had this this strange notion that it isn't good to move a child around
    {schools etc} .
    but this town is HORRIBLE for finding a mate.
    - it must be me.
    and that's okay too.

    when and if it is going to happen, it'll happen.

    love xx

  12. vicki A.

    i am terrible at casual dating.

    thank g-d i am not a lonely or bored person.


  13. victoria art

    thank you for your comment.
    how much do you charge by the hour?
    gotta' a couch for me?

    xx thank you

  14. oh...jules

    i have issues don't i?

    xxx hugs and big love to you!!!

  15. yonks

    great advise.
    a wise man once gave me the same.
    my dad!!!

    i miss him


  16. karena

    you are so wise.
    and i have never heard it put so beautifully.

    this advise from you is a true KEEPER.
    but can i be a PEONIE ???? please?

    love xxx

  17. Anonymous10:47

    What we were attracted to at 20 doesn't translate into what we need at 40, or beyond. Our heart, like decor, or wardrobe, needs to be updated, and healthy.

  18. Renee-
    I have found that there is no perfect relationship, but when they are after your heart, soul, and money, there will be far too much attention given towards you. It is a sale for some men. They drawn you in to thinking their way. When this starts run for your life girl.
    What you need is a friend and soulmate that you learn to love as a friend first, and a lover last. I know that this sounds harsh, but it is so true.
    Something my psychiatrist friend told me one night has stuck with me for years. She told me that if I locked eyes with a man to run as hard as i could run, lol.
    Just be friends. Do you have time for a relationship, and is it truly what you want? I am so busy and so happy alone, but I love men too, haha. You just have to be careful. Hopefully you learn something from each relationship. I feel you pain!
    Just think about it. Your instincts should tell you what to do. Just remember what I said, if they are working at controlling you and your money, move on.
    Have a good afternoon.

  19. @ Enchanted- Do I know you? Just kidding, but I several bad relationships, hated men, purposely toyed with them and wanted no part of getting into something serious. Then my husband was just there. We have been together for 7 years and were married 5 years ago in December! We are very happy.

    Renee- The "right" thing for you will be obvious if it is in front of you but I believe not until you let yourself be vulnerable--at least a little.

  20. Jules

    there is no finer man to have a crush on the burt.B.
    he turned me onto RAW CASHEWS

    he is truly a prince.

  21. Your words of anguish break my heart, but in the middle of this girl talk your wanting to be a peony—over the top beauty goodness—made me laugh. Trust your gut. Once you have been in a relationship with a psychopath you know the drill: RUN!

    Just to make you laugh: the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths: better lawyers. Sociopaths end up in prison; psychopaths run corporations, military and government.

    I agree with Kareena spoil yourself and know that many, many value you.

  22. Anonymous02:11

    you are brave, sharing here with us. you are brave to move forward with men. you keep control. it's okay to be cautious. enjoy your life. you are paving your own path, business, life. you are bright and emotionally aware, go s l o w... at the pace you are comfortable with.

    being alone is just fine. being with someone is just fine as well.

  23. Dear Renée,
    I really don't think that you have issues or are any different from most single women of a certain age. My best friend of 50 years is divorced and often goes on dates from a dating website. Sometimes they last a few months and sometimes not and she thinks that it's so hard to have a long relationship now as she has become so independent and likes her own space. I think that you must treat each date as a one-off and maybe it will blossom into something more permenant and maybe not.
    You are very lucky that you like your own company. It's much harder when you don't.
    Just try to take it all very casually Renée and, who knows what might happen. I think it's really exciting for you. Have fun with it.
    Although, I do know that it's easy for me to say and much harder to do in real life though. XXXX

  24. All I can say is that it is very, very difficult. I was single for almost 20 years and really liked my time alone. I was busy working, traveling and just living....then I met someone while on vacation in France. No matter how much I continued to tell myself that I wasn't going down that road again I did.
    It was an adjustment but he was and continues to be the only man that I had met that allowed me to be me....strong when I wanted or needed to be and fragile or sad on the flip side. He took both in stride and was consistently there for me.
    Maybe 20 years of being divorced was the magic number....he had been single the same amount of time.
    Be strong, continue to live and move forward. If someone isn't willing or able to keep up with you too bad. You are moving toward your future. They will either be with you or become a part of your past...all of which make you in to the person that someone is just waiting to meet!

  25. jax

    i love you. thank you for this story.
    great big hug & xx''s

  26. kerry

    i know you, and tina/enchanted
    are both right about this matter of the heart.

    thank you for being a friend!!

  27. ms smart

    sometimes i don't feel so brave, but i am when it matters!

    i think that very personality trait, creating my own business path....etc

    the very thing that attracts men to me....
    being strong minded and independent
    is the very thing that eventually makes them look away

    my close non blogger friend calls me
    ' a rough and tuff cream puff '
    it pretty much describes me, and pretty well.

    much love to you
    thank you for kind comment xxx

  28. Sigh...Relationships. The older we get, the more baggage we carry and so do they, which weighs us down and makes things even more complicated. Or we learn to get rid of the baggage and travel light. That's much harder to do and the other party has to get rid of their baggage too.

    I agree that there's nothing wrong with being single. You must value your independence. If I wasn't happily married, I think I would greatly value my independence.

  29. dearest renee

    can we all love you anymore? opening and sharing your heart is what makes you so special in blogging and from your blog and our exchanges i "know" you to be a wonderful woman, a fun woman and an interesting woman. know that and do not settle. when you see that 'type' again, turn & run.

    divorced and in my thirties i moved to florida having the ups and mostly downs of dating. my heart was broken so many times. having reached the conclusion that i was indeed happy alone, i stopped dating and was looking for a villa for myself to create a new life and i was happy & content.

    flew back to chicago for a wedding. during a side outing i was introduced to a man who shortly thereafter became my husband. moving back home was an added plus. i knew he was the one the day we met. no, this had never happened before.

    live your life girlfriend, as others had mentioned you never know, but live now for yourself
    sending hugs & a martini

  30. de tout

    i was happy at first in my marriage and then
    the systematic chipping away at who i was began.

    you know....i don't ever want to be a 'broke horse' by cruelty.
    you can break a horse with love, patients, and tenderness.
    i know that's how i handled my horse when he was a gorgeous wild man.
    now he is the best boy in the boy!!!

    i will bend over backwards for someone that is kind , smart and patient.

    no luck so far.

    i need to stick wit HORSES.

    xxx love you

  31. 5th & state - deb

    your comments made me feel so good.
    you are too kind.
    sometimes i feel weird about posting my feelings
    but if you ever met me in person...
    i wear my heart, and all other feelings right on my sleeve.

    your love story remind me of the one that i think may happen to me.
    as soon as my store is a success the a man will walk into my life....
    and the i will have to make some choices.

    because (thankfully he will not be from florida)
    and i will make that choice.
    i will pack up and start my biz over in a place i was meant to be.
    and with the man i was supposed to be with.

    i truly love you 2 xxx

  32. and wearing your heart on your sleeve is what makes you special.

    that heartbreak i was referring to........all men in florida!

    sending more love

  33. Boy I will have to email you on this one!!!!!!!!xo MA

  34. deb

    it is THIS place.
    florida stinks for finding a mate!!!!




Thanks for participating!!

About Renée Finberg

I have been in this business since the age of 22.

I love what I do and cannot imagine my life without Design.

Design Challenges are great.

And because of those challenges

I have imported fine antique pieces from Paris,

Designed and Manufactured Furniture,

Created Fantastic Window Treatments,

And solved all kinds of spatial & architectural issues

With my unique style.

If I can't find it, I create it.

My rooms would make excellent movie sets.

I am a visual, tactile and audio sensitive individual.

Creating is what I live for, not math, not spelling, not science.

Just Great Design.

Just imagine how it would be if each of us,

If only for a few hours of everyday,We could be in a space that is our very own.A place that is exactly the way we want it to be

Surrounded by all the things we wanted to see,

The atmosphere we wanted feel, smell and the sound we wanted to listen to.

Private Paradise



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Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her Adventures in Design by Renee Finberg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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