I see a lot of this............
long roads in a rural setting.
|*I am really putting myself out there for you|
The Layers Of This Onion or What Really Happened
How do I
put all that I want to communicate to you into words?
The last months have taken most of the layers
off on this onion,
I am finding my 'CORE.'
I arrived in Maine on October 20 - 2012
I moved to my mothers home because
we needed each other.
|1st to go|
Starting with my cabana at the beach in Delray,
My beloved horse
|2nd to go|
(barn name ; Hershey)
Then my showroom in Boca Raton
|3rd to go|
Which had meant so much to me.
The timing could not have been worse!!!
Just when I finally pulled everything together,
after a life time of working in the field of interior design....
My career dream had been realized
only to fail due to a dying economy in Boca Raton
(and everywhere else on the planet)
On the subject of the house sale ,
while I was selling the contents of my home...
I was robbed of all my jewelry.
I am telling you , this one about did me in.
I still try hard not to get upset when I think of it.
It was my nest egg.
And then there is the new distance between
me & my one and only child.
Andi's Pinterest page
This one is the real killer.
I have never been separated from her before.
Not even college, because she attended Univ. of Miami.
Virtually down the road.
Just a one hour drive if I needed my 'Andi' fix.
Now it is much different.
And it is painful.
So, here I am in Maine -
with 2 nickels to rub together
and what is left of my old life in boxes.
if you do not need to make a living.
When I first arrived, I woke up everyday thinking;
Who the hell am I?
Where am I again??
I have wanted to live in Maine for 20 years...
...watch out what you pray for...
you just might get it.
I have been doing much searching of my soul,
under my soul, through my soul, and around my soul.
What does this all mean.
It had to be my fault.
Am I a failure?
Do I have worth?
I haven't posted because
I wasn't emotionally capable.
The (material & emotional) loss,
there's still more feelings that I still can not express.
That is why I 'see someone'
to sort all this out in my head.
I have literally been brought to my knees...
which as it happens ,
can be a very good thing.
I have become quite active in my community...
and have met some truly authentic individuals
who have enriched my life in more ways than I can express.
(and I try and tell them as often as they will listen)
I can hardly get into the difficult job market conversation
which is virtually none-existent for someone with my design skills.
I do love
what I used to do....
I need to start up my own thing,
maybe a fabric/wallpaper design shop.
about my 'journey' ...
I had ordered a book that was suggested by a very close friend of mine
who is aware of the depth of this 'journey' I'm on.
What does all that has happened mean?
What do I do now?
Below is an excerpt from this book
which is mainly about the human condition of 'EGO'
In regards to EGO....
if the universe wanted to knock me down a few pegs....
Renee sans ego.
Yet there is still the very middle of me left.
The stuff in the center that no one can ever take away
from any of us
'The Core' that is deep down inside us all.
Now I guess it's time to get down to some emotional work.
My faults and my goodness.
All that was familiar for so long is gone.
My existence is completely different than what I have been used to.
My comfortable home with everything just the way I liked it....gone.
The bits & pieces I do still have are boxed up in my mothers art house.
* a free standing building that houses my mom's artwork
'The stuff ' for the most part
I am dealing with it today,
and I will do the same tomorrow and the day after...
....back in February I couldn't see the tomorrows.
Perhaps today I'm a better me ....
without 'the stuff'.
I am here
It's beginning to be 'alright' you know.
Really, it is.
I am settling in here and can envision my life here as well.
Finding my niche is what has me frightened.
But the locals are very encouraging.
Everything is different.
People....different. (thank g-d)
The seasons ...different.
I am just trying to find my way as graciously as I can.
Yet I feel sometimes ...like 'I AM' 2 left feet.
**Please do not feel badly for me...
(I no longer feel badly for me)
there must be a reason for all that has happened.
I just know there is reason.
I know more will be revealed to me.....in time.
Maybe not in 'my time'...
hopefully sooner than later.
I know I have faults,
but I am 'good'.
I am trying to evaluate my core belief system.
Get rid of what I do not need
and focus on what is real ,
true, and good in me.
* and in everyone else
After all....isn't that 'the stuff' that really counts ?
That's all for now.....
I hope this post has made some sense.
I'm off to polish up my core and
make a gratitude list.
Can you relate in some small way ?
I am sorry for not commenting lately,
or visiting, and mainly just being M.I.A.
Thank You Mom
*Can you imagine my situation without her ????
stop all that baking!!!
Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her Blog of her Adventures in Design,Boca Raton and Camden Maine, All Interior Design Services, Loss, Maine, ego , relocation, finding yourself, Loss, Maine, ego , relocation, finding yourself, layers of the onion, core values, What Really Happened