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Sunday, May 9, 2010

"Who's That Lady??????"

This is what I hear most days from the woman that is my EX mother in-law.....
she is 95 years old.
and is getting senile.
"Who's that lady?"
"Who's that lady?''
"Who's that lady?"
"It's me ....Renee"

I take care of her with my ex-husband.
I do MOST  the care-taking. 
I am not supposed to,
but it has turned out that way lately.
It is not working out for me at all!

Weird I know,
but I have known both my ex-husband, and his mother since I was around 12 years old.
Plus, we have a child together.

But this morning was MY mother's day too, 
and as usual I woke up the same old, same old.....
* I was a candy-striper, but I don't remember it smelling so badly.

And remember...
I still have to show up for work today.
(looking great and smiling.... I am not supposed to have a care in the world when I get there either)
....and my ex is conveniently no-where to be found.
Don't worry girlfriends, there is no romance between us at all..........he has is own private life.
* see below

I just had a complete melt down...complete.

This is tough stuff.

I went outside and started screaming and cursing him.
I called him on his cell ...and of course he NEVER answers.
I left messages running the full spectrum.....

From outrage 
to telling him how hurt I was that he would continue
to do this to me without any concern for my mental well being..
(there is a reason we are divorced)
I was crying hard out of pure frustration

Needless to say....getting gorgeous for work was more than a challenge.

I have been edgy lately. And I think it is to be expected.
Ya' think I would be???

Believe me, you can't fix this for me.
I know some of you may want to but you can't.
I can't even fix it right now.
It is what it is. I am venting to my Bloggieville friends.
And thank g-d I have you!

She is an old Italian woman who raised 2 boys all by herself.
She worked two jobs to support them. And to my knowledge has never said a cross word to anyone.
I don't think she has even had a mean thought.
The alternative to me caring for her is THIS!
Right now...I just don't have the heart.

But I may be singing a different tune in 6 months if things don't change.

I am just trying to do the right thing.

I know I sound 'wacked'...I am not.
I swear.

and..Excuse me for being M.I.A. lately XXX's


Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her BLOG..... Interior Design, Palm Beach, Boca Raton,Ft.Lauderdale,Design Service, Window Treatments, TurnKey Interior Design Service,Paint selection, Floor-Plans,Online Interior Design, Design Center of The Americas, D.C.O.T.A. Care taking, Frustration, anger,


  1. Whoa...and I thought staying friends with my ex was a major achievement! This is when you hope karma is more than a word! Take care....breathe...drink??

  2. kerry
    thanks ...
    i am coming over to
    the tranquil townhouse.
    it sounds like i need to!

  3. I am so sorry. I completely understand your insanity. The only thing that has helped me in the last couple years has been Esther Hicks Book, "Ask & it is Given". She given 22 techniques to help. You can pick & choose which ones resonate with you and try those.

    I take comfort in my belief that I would not have chosen to incarnate into a life that is insane (so it must be manageable), that and the thought that I won't have to do this in the next life.

    Sending Love & Light,

  4. blog authors
    i love this.
    i will check this book out.
    it sound good to me.

    it sure felt like insanity this morning!!

  5. Caring for someone with dementia is such an incredibly hard burden! I hesitate to mention it, since you've probably looked into it already, but there are a lot of communities that provide free or inexpensive elder care during daytime or working hours so that caregivers can have a break and stay healthy. Take care of yourself! Your health and sanity is the lynchpin for everyone else and their needs - whether they recognize it or not.


  6. You...My dear are a good soul.....and sometimes, good souls go through hellish times.

    You are strong, smart...and a hell of a care-giver. Pat yourself on the back!

  7. I know the insanity, I do, I do, I do. I know the graphics you posted too well.

    What I did not type earlier is that it is okay to know when something is killing you & say "when".

    What's that old story about the dying person who has this saint of a caregiver (the family doesn't know what it would do without her) & the caregiver up and drops dead one day. The family has a replacement caregiver so fast your head spins.

    I too have struggled with knowing I may have to place the Senior in a facility to provide more care than I am able to give.

    Still sending Love & Light.

  8. Anonymous00:17

    cut it loose. it does not go care for her because he know you still will. let it go. it is not your order of business. that man is still manipulating you. no no no. the woman is a sad affair but she does not know who you are nor is she your mother. you are stressed enough with work, let it go. be good to you. do not let this man make you crazy, nope don't do it. go one more time to see her, tel her you are not coming back, and walk away. bless you for what you have done, now stop.

  9. You are an amazing woman. God will have a special place for you.

  10. Renee, my precious friend, I'm going to email you about this on Monday. The tragedy of Alzheimer's or senility is to the caregivers, not the patient. You have a lot of life left, she has none. Her children must step up so you can step out. And, the way you speak of her makes me think she wouldn't want to be such a burden to anyone.

  11. sanity,

    yes. this is really difficult.
    and it is not easy taking care of myself as well.
    my biggest fear is holding in these 'resentments' towards my EX and then' blowing up!!'


  12. Hmmm. Having seen you in action with your ex-MIL, I really really commend you that in addition to everything else, you have this added on.

    I dont know that I would do anything different though as you are compassionate and caring to everyone around you and only deserve the best.

  13. I hope today is a better day. You are one amazing woman, wish I lived closer so I could know you better.

    Happy Mothers Day. Now don't forget to breathe.

    As Always your pictures are spot on!

  14. I'm all for reloading together!!!!!

    There is a book called 'Full Catastrophe Living' by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I am doing his course at present and thankfully it is starting to work a little. It is all about living in the now and enjoying (or hating) that moment and knowing that the next moment will be different.

    Lots of wonderful meditation.

    I don't know if it will help but Renee I have been there so many times and something has to give please don't let it be you!

  15. Anonymous09:52

    Renee, you don't indicate whether or not your mother in law is in a long term care facility. For the sake of my post, I will assume that she is. Your ex-husband and his siblings are the responsible parties to provide care for their mother - not you. If you want to offer your time occasionally, you should do so, but it should be your choice - not your ex-husband's. He can hire caregivers or a conservator for his mother if he is so inclined. If she is not in a long term care facility, she needs to be for her safety. No one can take this burden from you except you. Don't let guilt keep you from standing your ground with your ex-husband. You have shown what you're made of. You don't have to prove anything. He does, however! Best of luck to you.

  16. Renee, my heart is with you, it is so tough. There are so many places to go for some elder care help....just to give you a break!


    Art by Karena

  17. Hang in there sista!

    Some days are harder than others. Remember, " That that does not kill us, only makes us stronger"!

    Have a great day!

  18. Your a much better person than I.
    I don't have anything else I can say except,

    Remember I know people!! When you find him- drop me a line! ;)

  19. Wow, Renee. I'd probably flee the country, freeing myself of everything and everyone! You might be enabling your ex (not having to take responsibility) by stepping in.

  20. Your ex needs to finally grow up and you need to help him by removing yourself from this situation. This comes from someone naturally inclined to be an enabler. Tough love, girlfriend.

    p.s. my word verification was sitshous. Not much rearranging of letters to get to the pile of things. Hugs your way.

  21. i love angie's comment "she knows people"....hmmmm.....could come in handy

    you are a saint, too good, a great example to your daughter but we cannot lose YOU! think of yourself too renee. i also wished we lived nearby, would grab you, a cocktail, a cigie, a ridiculous getup and we could be the ones in the 2nd photo; feet up, cocktail in brown paper bag, smoke in hand all while bitching and roaring with laughter

  22. Renee,
    You are blessing that woman in ways you are not aware of. Remember it's the disease not the woman. It's hard, it's tough, it's not pretty, but your heart is huge.
    Hang in ya Girl.

  23. debra

    xx love ya girl

  24. You are doing a GREAT job! Sometimes life just gets a little hairy! I remember my Mom taking care of my grandmother who was truly a goddess to all of us. But, even then, there were times she wanted to scream and run away. It's a really hard part of life and I just hope someone will love and take care of me when I get old. Get some rest my friend!

    Love to you.


  25. I do hope things are calmer by now Renee.....take care and think of you, xxv



Thanks for participating!!

About Renée Finberg

I have been in this business since the age of 22.

I love what I do and cannot imagine my life without Design.

Design Challenges are great.

And because of those challenges

I have imported fine antique pieces from Paris,

Designed and Manufactured Furniture,

Created Fantastic Window Treatments,

And solved all kinds of spatial & architectural issues

With my unique style.

If I can't find it, I create it.

My rooms would make excellent movie sets.

I am a visual, tactile and audio sensitive individual.

Creating is what I live for, not math, not spelling, not science.

Just Great Design.

Just imagine how it would be if each of us,

If only for a few hours of everyday,We could be in a space that is our very own.A place that is exactly the way we want it to be

Surrounded by all the things we wanted to see,

The atmosphere we wanted feel, smell and the sound we wanted to listen to.

Private Paradise



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