Straight To Heaven

Feb 20.1912 - Aug 8.2012

I will miss Marie dearly 

and am so happy for the time we got to spend together. 

She was a caring and loving person 

and was the best mother & grandmother in the world. 

Even though she is gone 

her memory will live on in our hearts forever. 

Many of you know that my mother in-law 

{ who I have known since I am 11 yrs}

came to live in my home.

She died peacefully in her sleep 2 nights ago.

I have been living with my ex-husband and her for 5 years now.

With the sale of my home of 28 years

{the longest I have ever lived anywhere}

so.....

I am packing because I am selling the house....

- my daughter is moving out to her own place

{as it should be}

and then my ex-husband who has been a constant for me is going his own way.

It is the end of an era.

Like a sweater,

I feel my small universe unraveling all around me.

This is painful and frighting.

But 

as all of my friends have told me,

it's G-d setting a new path for me.

I will get through this, but I must be permitted to morn the loss of it

before I can start anew.

I will take the unraveled yarn,

roll it up in a neat ball

and knit a new sweater when I get to Maine

AND I WILL 

START A NEW AND WONDERFUL LIFE IN MAINE

Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her Blog of her Adventures in Design,Owner of 'The Trade' Interiors, ,Boca Raton,Palm Beach,Boca Raton Florida,All custom upholstery,case-goods,window treatments,Antiques, Accessories and Antique accessories, built-ins, and all built in seating,custom pillows,20% above cost plus shipping & handling on all 'To The Trade' Furniture Lines, death, loss, mourning and fear of the unknown,loss of what is familiar, death, loss, mourning and fear of the unknown,loss of what is familiar

ONLY if you really know me - READ THIS

When I came down stairs this morning….

At the bottom of the stairs and straight ahead is the room where my mother in law {Marie} sleeps.

She now is sleeping on a hospital bed with an air mattress.

It has a pump that is constantly pumping.

You can always hear it. It sounds just like a respirator.

The pump is changing the level of pressure that pushes against her body. 

You see, she has 2 unbelievably bad bed sores. Hospice comes every day or so.

And for the first time, on Thursday this past week I was assisting my daughter 

while changing her diaper ...and I saw them!!

The Bed Sores.

Andi {my daughter} told me; "they have become really bad in the past three days."

I almost lost it in the room with Marie (my mother in law} when I saw them. 

I didn’t dare!!

I had to run out of the room…I went outside and lost my lunch.

It is too much. I still can’t believe my daughter has stepped up the plate in this way, and to this extent.

I couldn’t do it…and I can take blood and gore. I was a candy striper as a kid.

And I in high school I worked as a dental asst. in oral surgery….
but this was too much for a kid {not a kid really - 23yrs old}to be doing,

Unless of course, she wanted to be a nurse.

It is a testament to her love for her grandmother.

I am so proud of my daughter. I have seen and heard her with Marie, there is so much love and tenderness there. I know that this has truly changed Andi. She is doing what I could no longer do.

Marie cannot walk anymore. She hardly eats. She is physically twisted up into a knot. Her arms and legs are bent and held tightly to her body. This has come on with in the last 2 weeks. We think that she had some sort of stroke. Her speech all but gone as well.

Hospice doesn’t say what happened….they admit that they would only be guessing.

Back to the beginning….

I came down the stairs this morning and straight ahead is the room where Marie sleeps.

I looked in and I thought she was gone. She was sleeping in a position that she had never slept before.

Her face was small, white, and her mouth was wide open. And her face was sunken in.

Really sunken in. I couldn’t believe it. I walked over to her feeling so sad, yet personally, a little relieved.

I hate saying that… but this house is a ‘hospice house.’ This has taken a toll on everyone in it.

{Sometimes I feel like I am locked up in a smelly, dusty, funky , creepy ,super sad  house/prison}

I kissed her on the forehead and felt her arms, cheeks and hands to see if she was still warm.

She was cold to the touch, but she opened her eyes when she felt my lips on her forehead.

Marie will have her 97^th birthday today.

On my way home from work last night I stopped and picked up balloons,

Ice cream and a birthday cake with candles. I have a difficult time dealing with seriously sad situations in my life. I have always dealt with tragedy with sarcasm and dark humor.
The more pain I am in....the more of a clown I become.

I was seriously thinking all day yesterday that she was going soon. Like yesterday or today. And then I thought…it’s her birthday on Sunday. Wouldn’t it be amazing if she died on her birthday?

She would have died exactly when her ‘lease on life’ was up?

Marie has lost her parents,brothers, sisters, cousins, and all her close friends. I know they are calling her and waiting to love her and be with her. She should be free of this body, and the shame she feels when we change her.

It is the saddest sort of sad. She doesn’t want anyone but us taking care of her. She wants to die here, and die with us here at ‘home’. 

We can do that.

 Would you if you could?




xxx 's  to : 'you know who you are'

Renée Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her BLOG..... Interior Design, Palm Beach, Boca Raton,Ft.Lauderdale,Design Service, Window Treatments, TurnKey Interior Design Service,Online Interior Design,andi, death, dying, hospice, marie, death and dying, hospice at home