I see a lot of this............
long roads in a rural setting.
 |
| *I am really putting myself out there for you |
About
The Layers Of This Onion or What Really Happened
The last months have taken most of the layers off on this onion,
I am finding my 'CORE.'
~~~~~~~~
I arrived in Maine on October 20 - 2012
I moved to my mothers home because
we needed each other.
 |
| 1st to go |
Starting with my cabana at the beach in Delray,
~~~~~
My beloved horse
 |
| 2nd to go |
Georgian Gentleman
(barn name ; Hershey)
Then my showroom in Boca Raton
 |
| 3rd to go |
Which had meant so much to me.
The timing could not have been worse!!!
Just when I finally pulled everything together,
after a life time of working in the field of interior design....
My career dream had been realized
only to fail due to a dying economy in Boca Raton
(and everywhere else on the planet)
*
*
OOPS....
On the subject of the house sale ,
while I was selling the contents of my home...
I was robbed of all my jewelry.
I am telling you , this one about did me in.
I still try hard not to get upset when I think of it.
It was my nest egg.
Not anymore!
And then there is the new distance between
me & my one and only child.
Andi.
Andi's Pinterest page
This one is the real killer.
I have never been separated from her before.
Not even college, because she attended Univ. of Miami.
Virtually down the road.
Just a one hour drive if I needed my 'Andi' fix.
Now it is much different.
Much.
And it is painful.
So, here I am in Maine -
with 2 nickels to rub together
and what is left of my old life in boxes.
Maine is
PARADISE
if you do not need to make a living.
When I first arrived, I woke up everyday thinking;
Who the hell am I?
and
Where am I again??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have wanted to live in Maine for 20 years...
...watch out what you pray for...
you just might get it.
~~~~~~~
I have been doing much searching of my soul,
under my soul, through my soul, and around my soul.
What does this all mean.
It had to be my fault.
Am I a failure?
Do I have worth?
I haven't posted because
I wasn't emotionally capable.
The (material & emotional) loss,
there's still more feelings that I still can not express.
That is why I 'see someone'
to sort all this out in my head.
It's helping.
I have literally been brought to my knees...
which as it happens ,
can be a very good thing.
I have become quite active in my community...
and have met some truly authentic individuals
who have enriched my life in more ways than I can express.
(and I try and tell them as often as they will listen)
I can hardly get into the difficult job market conversation
which is virtually none-existent for someone with my design skills.
I do love
what I used to do....
I need to start up my own thing,
maybe a fabric/wallpaper design shop.
*
Anyhow,
about my 'journey' ...
Recently
I had ordered a book that was suggested by a very close friend of mine
who is aware of the depth of this 'journey' I'm on.
What does all that has happened mean?
What do I do now?
~~~~~~~~
Below is an excerpt from this book
which is mainly about the human condition of 'EGO'
In regards to EGO....
if the universe wanted to knock me down a few pegs....
BRAVO!
Well done!
"Presto Chango"
Renee sans ego.
Yet there is still the very middle of me left.
The stuff in the center that no one can ever take away
from any of us
'The Core' that is deep down inside us all.
Now I guess it's time to get down to some emotional work.
My values.
My faults and my goodness.
~~~~~
All that was familiar for so long is gone.
My existence is completely different than what I have been used to.
My comfortable home with everything just the way I liked it....gone.
The bits & pieces I do still have are boxed up in my mothers art house.
* a free standing building that houses my mom's artwork
'The stuff ' for the most part
is gone.
I am dealing with it today,
and I will do the same tomorrow and the day after...
....back in February I couldn't see the tomorrows.
Perhaps today I'm a better me ....
without 'the stuff'.
I am here
&
It's beginning to be 'alright' you know.
Really, it is.
I am settling in here and can envision my life here as well.
Finding my niche is what has me frightened.
But the locals are very encouraging.
*
Everything is different.
Design...different.
People....different. (thank g-d)
Dress....different.
The seasons ...different.
I am just trying to find my way as graciously as I can.
Yet I feel sometimes ...like 'I AM' 2 left feet.
~~~~~
**Please do not feel badly for me...
(I no longer feel badly for me)
there must be a reason for all that has happened.
I just know there is reason.
&
I know more will be revealed to me.....in time.
Maybe not in 'my time'...
but sometime...
hopefully sooner than later.
****
I know I have faults,
but I am 'good'.
I am trying to evaluate my core belief system.
Get rid of what I do not need
and focus on what is real ,
true, and good in me.
* and in everyone else
After all....isn't that 'the stuff' that really counts ?
That's all for now.....
I hope this post has made some sense.
I'm off to polish up my core and
make a gratitude list.
Can you relate in some small way ?
p.s.
I am sorry for not commenting lately,
or visiting, and mainly just being M.I.A.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank You Mom
*Can you imagine my situation without her ????
But Mom,
stop all that baking!!!
Renee Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her Blog of her Adventures in Design,Boca Raton and Camden Maine, All Interior Design Services, Loss, Maine, ego , relocation, finding yourself, Loss, Maine, ego , relocation, finding yourself, layers of the onion, core values, What Really Happened
God bless you dear Renee. I know it has been difficult and what a roller coaster ride. Hope you always liked amusement parks! It seems like the self discovery is so genuine and deep is HAS to be a good thing. I really wish I was there to give you huge hugs to you for being real, bearing your soul and purging and cleansing. It is alright and it's going to be alright, it just takes time, as Im sure youve told your daughter growing up when things got tough. You are a survivor and youre succeeding at it. I wish you better good days than bad and some close new friends who will help you through it all. I know the daughter part is the worst part. My kids are my life, my soul and my fun. Let us know how youre doing and you should never be embarassed, youre a beautiful person inside and out.
ReplyDeletexo Nancy
it's interesting....
Deletei never had a sense of
'it's going to be alright'
but hear i am...
and i know that 'it's really going to be alright.'
i love you nance
Renee, You have to feel good that you took the first step to go on this journey. Some people never do that and remain completely paralyzed in a bad state. From what I can tell, you are one hell of a courageous, STRONG woman. You'll get "there" I promise, and when you do.. you will look back on all of this and be amazed at how much you are worth.. to yourself and to others.
ReplyDeleteRenee, I'm so deeply sorry for for your loss. I feel a kinship with you because the pain you describe sounds very familiar to me. Several years ago, I lost my husband, the love of my life, to cancer. There are many ways to experience profound loss in one's life, but the recovery process is basically the same...you have to go through a lot of stages and a lot of pain, but time truly is a great healer...if only it didn't happen in baby steps! I'd like to recommend a book to you, "Life After Loss" by Bob Deits...this book helped me through many rough times - it was dog-eared and highlighted to death - and never left my side - I found it very practical and comforting. You should not be embarrassed in any way by what's happened, instead you should be proud of how you've handled this and moved forward. There really is light at the end of the tunnel...best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteHow honest and deep and true. Ego can be good, but it can also makes us doubt our self worth. It must be (in a way) a relief to reveal what is happening in your life today. It doesn't mean your life will be this way forever but for now it's alright. I love a quote from the singer/songwriter Bill Withers: "One of the things I always tell my kids
ReplyDeleteis that it's OK to head out for wonderful,
but on your way to wonderful,
you're gonna have to pass through all right.
When you get to all right,
take a good look around and get used to it,
because that may be as far as you're gonna go."
You live in one of my favorite places in the whole world so I consider you very lucky. I have a "one and only" daughter too, and as you mention, it must be very hard to be so far away. I don't know where my daughter will land, but If it's far away, I will miss her terribly and I might need some of your advice on how to deal with it.
I like the color ORANGE. Wow, are those customers lucky to be the recipient of your experience.
Best of everything, and thanks for your blog.
Terri
You have always been one of my most favorite bloggers because….you are so REAL!! I truly appreciate that! Thank you for sharing your ups as well as your downs! It's real easy to share the good times but sometimes we don't want to share the bad and let people know what is REALLY going on in our lives! You have opened up your heart and soul and I for one thank you for it! There isn't any one of us that hasn't experienced something that brings us "down a notch"…if it hasn't happened yet…it certainly will. It's hard to be humble…it's hard to wear that orange apron but I commend you on it! I know so many people that don't have their jobs anymore and yet are unwilling to do anything about it! Wear that orange apron with pride! It truly sounds sort of fun! Use your skills where you are and bless people that you are surrounded with! God puts us in situations a lot of times that are uncomfortable but He still uses us…He still blesses us through what we learn and who we encounter.You have just blessed my heart tremendously and I have definitely been thinking about you and wondering what is going on in your life! Please don't be MIA anymore! We love to hear from you!
ReplyDeleteDear Renee,
ReplyDeleteYou are loved by those who are your friends; anyone else does not deserve to be in your circle.
We have had the highs in life and the lows. I love all that you felt you could share, I think that it does take off some of the burden. Your new life may end up being so much better, even though it may take awhile.
I do know how you feel. Never in my life did I think I would be so humbled to ask for help....after 7 hospital stays, 4 surgeries and my hip prosthesis and the surrounding area still not healed, and I have swallowed my pride big time.
Please call whenever you want! Day or Night!
Love and hugs,
Karena
Having just written that I could not open your blog, today I now can. Sorry to hear that life has not been treating you well, but it sounds as though you are sorting yourself out, and we all certainly learn from the knocks that come our way. But YOU control your destiny; even when sh1t happens you can decide how you're going to react. Our minds are an amazing tool that only we have the ability to control absolutely. And finding that out is such a rewarding journey. Enjoy the ride!
ReplyDeletethank you....
Deletei am certainly learning to REACT differently.
i do enjoy the thought of controlling my destiny....
but i just have to keep a strong and positive attitude,
and just keep showing up for life.
i will write a wish list of projects etc
and try to keep going over it.
the power of the positive certainly makes life less painful.
xx
it's a risky business to be 'honest.'
ReplyDeletebut i recently rec'd an email from a long time follower of my blog,
and she shared her difficulties with me.
her difficulties were similar to my own.
i was touched deeply.
this is really, in my eyes what i find the very most rewarding about blogging.
she had IDENTIFIED with me ....
and she wondered what i was doing......
she inspired me to 'come clean' with my bloggy friends
and just 'update' and re-engage.
i thought...
if i am to get 'my sense of self' back
i had better get back to the thing that gave me a great sense of self
and community.
so hear i am
and your comment has also reached me to my very 'core'
(my good and strong place)
i send you my love and respect
Wow Renee bravo to you for bearing your heart and feelings. I love that you opened up and I would bet its been cathartic to do so. I think we have ALL been through an experience or two that has shaken us to our core, made us reevaluate everything, forced us to look at ourselves and wonder what our real worth is, and those are scary unsettling and uncertain times.
ReplyDeleteAT risk of sounding like a cliche.....things generally do work out for a reason. Not always realized right away but eventually the light switch goes on and its a "aha" moment and then it all makes sense, the stars align and you feel "righted" once again. I have no doubt that will happen to you, you are a beautiful, authentic, intelligent and talented woman....there is no doubt that you will find your niche and yes,it might not reflect that "Boca lifestyle" (in my humble opinoin no big loss) but a more "real" casual and laid back one.
I once heard a saying "that a sunrise is God's way of letting you start all over again". Cheers to new beginnings and best of luck to you!
T,
ReplyDeleteyou know....
i really could not wait to leave boca.
i couldn't stand it.
and i love the saying about 'the sunrise'!!!
thanks xox
Dear Renee,
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if you received my response, so here I am. The poignant thoughts of those above, your friends, resound deeply.
The Sunrise quote is a wonderful thought! I also love the illustration of the onion and its layers. The peeling back to find the real person inside. I think you are a brave, beautiful woman. When you start over, keep your core beliefs and then reinvent yourself!! All of the things you are doing and plus in addition to taking the plunge, getting some help and guidance along the way, all take courage!
There are Wealthy people with all of the accoutrements that go with it who can be miserable and very lonely inside.The facade is deceiving.
Then those in the middle or lower class can be so real, genuine, and happy with their lives, family and work!.
Let me know anytime you want to talk, day or night. 913-638-5171. I would also like to see you post more about your experiences in Maine.
Love and Hugs
Karena
K,
Deletewe haven't spoken lately because i have been half crazy....
we will chat soon.
i miss you
xxo
Your good attitude will see you through, my dear. I'm so sorry for all you have been through but you're taking this as an opportunity to grow and get to the core. In the end I'm sure you will be more satisfied and more aware. In this business it is so easy to get caught up in the pretty that we forget what is real. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. Don't be a stranger! Xo.
ReplyDeleteS,
Deletethis comment has meant so much.
i miss you xx
i will start coming around again
thank you
Renee
ReplyDeleteYou don't even know how many people you might be helping by putting this out there. These have been tough times for many! Thank you for sharing. We love you for doing it and we adore your blog!
Still reading you and your mum! You go WOMAN!
ReplyDeleteThe long hard struggle that brought you here has brought you into my and our lives, and we deeply, deeply appreciate your presence in our midst here in Maine, not only in this place but in our hearts. Your openness, pureness of truth, and zest for living is a breathe of fresh air. The hard work that God has begun in you is not going to be for naught, but will lead to realities and possibilities not even dreamed of yet.
ReplyDeleteThe long hard struggle that brought you here has brought you into my and our lives, and we deeply, deeply appreciate your presence in our midst here in Maine, not only in this place but in our hearts. Your openness, pureness of truth, and zest for living is a breathe of fresh air. The hard work that God has begun in you is not going to be for naught, but will lead to realities and possibilities not even dreamed of yet.
ReplyDeleteThe clouds have lifted and now I can finally open your page! When I was a young smart ass—vs being the old smart ass I am now—I used to say I was going to write a book and call it "Humility and How I Gained It." But you, girlfriend, have walked through hell and back. When I lost my son, or to put it more accurately, when my son was lost to me, there were days I did not stop crying. It took years of "why did this happen" and all of the other questions that have no answers. For me the answer was to break away from every social constriction and go down deep until I hit solid ground. I walked away from every thing and every person that felt false or judgmental. The garden saved my life. Hard work—for years my most constant daily companion was a pile of rocks and stone hammers. Today I marvel at the stone walls I built out of rage and grief. I could not do it today, the body is in revolt, but there they stand witness to my need to create beauty out of hardness.
ReplyDeleteYou are my hero. You will find the truest, best, more pure thing in the world—your self. All good things to come to you!
Wow! Maybe you are paying for being a tyrant in a previous life :-) come on, what did you do? I don't mean to make light of anything you have been through but I find trying to see the humour in the ridiculously negative helps. I was basically homeless at the age of 18 when my mother died swiftly followed by my father 3 years later having drunk himself to death. I can relate to everything that has happened to you, you wonderful soul. Hardship and suffering is such a leveller, an honour in a way, bestowing the ability to look so deeply into the meaning of things. None of us know the answer and the process of recovery is slow and silent, revealing itself one step at a time. Through all of my hardship I hung onto the saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger". All will reveal itself in time Renee. You are a good person. Remember that. One day you will look back on all of this like it happened to see done else. We can all start again no matter what. I'm just seeing light at the end of a difficult menopause tunnel, lets explore the future shall we? Here for you, ethereally!
ReplyDeleteMuch love.
Di
xxxx
di
Deleteyou have been so encouraging through the years...
why am i not surprised by your own wisdom and depth?
love to you,
xx
Maine! Heaven on earth!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Sharon
Rene,
ReplyDeleteYour blog was one of the first that I discovered and I have always loved the beautiful photos and the life that you created. But what has kept me coming back is you, you have always been so REAL. Life is tough some times, I think as many have said we have all been at one time or another been brought to our knees. You are blessed in ways you do jot ever realize...you get to spend time with your mother which I am sure is a huge comfort, you are back in your beloved Maine, you are helping so many by writing this post you have given courage to others to fight their own struggles! And most important to live an authentic life.
I have a suggestion,I am sure you have heard it before...aside from writing a book....you should do edesign, I have seen many designers doing it, by phone, by mail and computer. Then you can use your talents and resources of 20 plus years and your resources to continue to do what you love all over the world.
My thoughts and prayers re with you!
I think Elizabeth has good advice. One more blessing you have
ReplyDeletebloggers that really care and seem to be interested
and care for you. By-th-way I have not made cookies or cakes or pies in 3 weeks.
If you cheat with store bought things, it's not my fault. I don't buy bread either.
That road is called living LIFE. It's one big wave after the other, just remember to prepare
and take a deep breath between those waves. ( like a savings account)
Love you to the Sky.
Mamma xxxx
Hello Renee
ReplyDeleteYou have been pulled through a hedge backwards (an Irish saying). So sorry to hear of all the changes that have happened to you. I admire you very, very much. Your resilience and strength are powerful. I just know you will succeed again. Keep wearing the orange apron and it is by being in circulation that connections are made.
Thank you for sharing your life with us and I will hold you in prayer
I am very touched by your mother's comment above. "hello dear mamma"
Helen xx
helen,
Deletethank you,
and i will hug my mom for you.
x
I was able to get through to your post today too - so ignore the email I sent yesterday. I think you will find your core is very, very good. Thinking of you and wishing you peace, strength and opportunities for fun. Michele
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all you've been through Renee, truly sorry...just know that you are so not alone...after 10 ten years of dreaming and planning for our dream home, and growing my husbands business, the home got built (took 2 years) only to catch fire in the last stages of painting (painters fault)...so then we rebuilt (another 2 years), only to have a pipe burst after we moved in (tile guys fault), and flood 2/3 of the house...most all ruined, again. During this time my husbands business went under due to the economy...and you can only imagine what that's done to us being able to keep our house, it's been such a trying road...and we're still living in a flood damaged home, which we love and are still trying to hang on to as best we can. It's caused me to be missing in action as well blog-wise, as the reason I started the blog was because of the house...it's difficult to continue when so much is going on.
ReplyDeleteThe onion has definitely been peeled...and chopped, but I truly think we are better for it all and have a new perspective on reality and life...the 'glossy' version has been replaced by the raw version, and I find myself feeling wiser and more in tune to what's important because of it. I haven't even been able to talk about al that's happened on the blog yet...as you have, so warmly and eloquently...hopefully soon.
Praying for your continued peace and strength in moving forward...many hearts and thoughts are with you...and thank you so much for sharing your soul here, it's been cathartic to read, and I'm sure, for you to write.
Blessings...♥
xo Jessica
Hooray for your courage and thank you for trusting us, your readers, with your truth. Your honesty is an inspiration in a blogosphere that seems to be full of perfect lives and beautiful rooms and no reality. It is refreshing and humanizing to be allowed to follow you on your journey. The internet has made it easier to tell the story we want people to know and not reveal as much of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI believe in fate (bashert) and the cyclical nature of life. I believe you have many wonderful things ahead of you.
I look forward to reading about all of them and the rough patches along the way that make the good stuff even better.
Hooray for your courage and thank you for trusting us, your readers, with your truth. Your honesty is an inspiration in a blogosphere that seems to be full of perfect lives and beautiful rooms and no reality. It is refreshing and humanizing to be allowed to follow you on your journey. The internet has made it easier to tell the story we want people to know and not reveal as much of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI believe in fate (bashert) and the cyclical nature of life. I believe you have many wonderful things ahead of you.
I look forward to reading about all of them and the rough patches along the way that make the good stuff even better.
Hooray for your courage and thank you for trusting us, your readers, with your truth. Your honesty is an inspiration in a blogosphere that seems to be full of perfect lives and beautiful rooms and no reality. It is refreshing and humanizing to be allowed to follow you on your journey. The internet has made it easier to tell the story we want people to know and not reveal as much of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI believe in fate (bashert) and the cyclical nature of life. I believe you have many wonderful things ahead of you.
I look forward to reading about all of them and the rough patches along the way that make the good stuff even better.
Renee,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this traumatic time in your life. Your blog has always been one of my favorites. Not just for your keen design sense but just because you have always shared a part of yourself and its obvious that you are a unique and special person. I'm so happy for you that you have your Mother and Maine to give you solace. The dots are going to connect for you down the road! My sister is going through a tough time in her life right now as well- she sent me this message to listen too this AM and I think you should listen to it as well. Keep the faith, you are stronger than you know!Check out this video on YouTube:
http://youtu.be/kWVSeLkfO5I
Renee you know nothing shocks me and you also know that I CAN relate. Does that saying ring true that 'God only gives you what you can handle'? I know for a fact you are a strong woman and talented in so many ways. I think for some reason we need a life lesson or a reminder to make us who we are suppose to be. Our growing as a woman is not done I guess. Social Media is a wonderful thing; it's brought us all together and we can be champions for each other with our support & love. The flip-side of the coin is it can be tough to see/read (what too often feels like everyone, although not true)the perfect lives of others. I delve into pity party mode and I know better. Just feels like at this stage of life, it should be getting easier.
ReplyDeletePerhaps one day we ladies can meet up and share a glass (or many) of wine and laugh and cry together about those days. I have always admired you Renee; I respect you and you inspire ME. I will always look up to you because you are one heck of a lady, designer, mother, daughter, horsewoman, and friend. And...you have a killer sense of humor & you have humility. Sending you nothing but encouragement and love.
xox Deb
Renee, writing this post took a great amount of courage and humility. I truly admire your honesty, strength, and courage and how you are able to find the positive in your situation. Maine is very beautiful and spending time with your mother is a gift.
ReplyDeleteThis economy has not been kind to many. Being a new interior design graduate, I feel the stress of it. I planned to further my education; however, I decided to put it on hold because I don't want to finish school with $50K in debt in a career that I may not be able to find a job. It is difficult to find residential clients while working from my home! It's saddens me because, like you, interior design is my love.
xoxo, B
I've missed you. Let Maine be the safe haven your soul needs right now.
ReplyDeleteMillie xx
I'm so sorry I am also MIA I think of you frequently and wish I had the energy to be there for you but at present I don't have enough for myself. I will be back my beautiful girl and I find your strength amazing and your courage an inspiration love you Jules xxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry I am also MIA I think of you frequently and wish I had the energy to be there for you but at present I don't have enough for myself. I will be back my beautiful girl and I find your strength amazing and your courage an inspiration love you Jules xxxx
ReplyDeleteRenee,
ReplyDeleteI have so enjoyed your blog, style, and humor! One day in the future, you will be able to look back and it will seem like a life time ago. The universe has a way of having it all work out. A gratitude journal helps me. I enter in it daily 10 things I'm greatful for. And can't repeat. I'm amazed at how many small things become much more meaningful when reflecting on the day.
I look forward to your posts.
Sharon
@novaraway
...sweet renee...anyone who has gone through what you have...and can still desire to find her way "as graciously as i can"...will make it...and bless others along the way...what a hard hard thing has happened to you...what a glorious glorious thing is ahead of you...you still possess those unique gifts and talents that God gave to only you...you will be given new opportunities to use them again...and with even greater success...your blog still bears your trademark "beautiful eyes"...the view has changed...your words still resonate...yet this time with a more understanding heart for something outside yourself...as you help others make their homes more beautiful...i am certain you will blessed...and as you are blessed more and more opportunities will be opened to you to use those unique gifts that are within you...while your view is different...our view of you is differnt also...you are still the gifted designer and writer...but now we see more clearly the gracious...yet strong...woman who is going to be better than ever...and finally...i never saw a more spectacularly beautiful sunrise than one that was dominated by the color orange...God knows what He is doing... blessings laney
ReplyDelete...sweet renee...anyone who has gone through what you have...and can still desire to find her way "as graciously as i can"...will make it...and bless others along the way...what a hard hard thing has happened to you...what a glorious glorious thing is ahead of you...you still possess those unique gifts and talents that God gave to only you...you will be given new opportunities to use them again...and with even greater success...your blog still bears your trademark "beautiful eyes"...the view has changed...your words still resonate...yet this time with a more understanding heart for something outside yourself...as you help others make their homes more beautiful...i am certain you will blessed...and as you are blessed more and more opportunities will be opened to you to use those unique gifts that are within you...while your view is different...our view of you is differnt also...you are still the gifted designer and writer...but now we see more clearly the gracious...yet strong...woman who is going to be better than ever...and finally...i never saw a more spectacularly beautiful sunrise than one that was dominated by the color orange...God knows what He is doing... blessings laney
ReplyDeletek
ReplyDelete