ONLY if you really know me - READ THIS

When I came down stairs this morning….

At the bottom of the stairs and straight ahead is the room where my mother in law {Marie} sleeps.

She now is sleeping on a hospital bed with an air mattress.

It has a pump that is constantly pumping.

You can always hear it. It sounds just like a respirator.

The pump is changing the level of pressure that pushes against her body. 

You see, she has 2 unbelievably bad bed sores. Hospice comes every day or so.

And for the first time, on Thursday this past week I was assisting my daughter 

while changing her diaper ...and I saw them!!

The Bed Sores.

Andi {my daughter} told me; "they have become really bad in the past three days."

I almost lost it in the room with Marie (my mother in law} when I saw them. 

I didn’t dare!!

I had to run out of the room…I went outside and lost my lunch.

It is too much. I still can’t believe my daughter has stepped up the plate in this way, and to this extent.

I couldn’t do it…and I can take blood and gore. I was a candy striper as a kid.

And I in high school I worked as a dental asst. in oral surgery….
but this was too much for a kid {not a kid really - 23yrs old}to be doing,

Unless of course, she wanted to be a nurse.

It is a testament to her love for her grandmother.

I am so proud of my daughter. I have seen and heard her with Marie, there is so much love and tenderness there. I know that this has truly changed Andi. She is doing what I could no longer do.

Marie cannot walk anymore. She hardly eats. She is physically twisted up into a knot. Her arms and legs are bent and held tightly to her body. This has come on with in the last 2 weeks. We think that she had some sort of stroke. Her speech all but gone as well.

Hospice doesn’t say what happened….they admit that they would only be guessing.

Back to the beginning….

I came down the stairs this morning and straight ahead is the room where Marie sleeps.

I looked in and I thought she was gone. She was sleeping in a position that she had never slept before.

Her face was small, white, and her mouth was wide open. And her face was sunken in.

Really sunken in. I couldn’t believe it. I walked over to her feeling so sad, yet personally, a little relieved.

I hate saying that… but this house is a ‘hospice house.’ This has taken a toll on everyone in it.

{Sometimes I feel like I am locked up in a smelly, dusty, funky , creepy ,super sad  house/prison}

I kissed her on the forehead and felt her arms, cheeks and hands to see if she was still warm.

She was cold to the touch, but she opened her eyes when she felt my lips on her forehead.

Marie will have her 97^th birthday today.

On my way home from work last night I stopped and picked up balloons,

Ice cream and a birthday cake with candles. I have a difficult time dealing with seriously sad situations in my life. I have always dealt with tragedy with sarcasm and dark humor.
The more pain I am in....the more of a clown I become.

I was seriously thinking all day yesterday that she was going soon. Like yesterday or today. And then I thought…it’s her birthday on Sunday. Wouldn’t it be amazing if she died on her birthday?

She would have died exactly when her ‘lease on life’ was up?

Marie has lost her parents,brothers, sisters, cousins, and all her close friends. I know they are calling her and waiting to love her and be with her. She should be free of this body, and the shame she feels when we change her.

It is the saddest sort of sad. She doesn’t want anyone but us taking care of her. She wants to die here, and die with us here at ‘home’. 

We can do that.

 Would you if you could?




xxx 's  to : 'you know who you are'

Renée Finberg 'TELLS ALL' in her BLOG..... Interior Design, Palm Beach, Boca Raton,Ft.Lauderdale,Design Service, Window Treatments, TurnKey Interior Design Service,Online Interior Design,andi, death, dying, hospice, marie, death and dying, hospice at home